Friday, June 9, 2017

FUNNY FRIDAY



It's Friday, here's some animal humour to kick off the last day before the long weekend to celebrate the birthday of Her Maj.  Enjoy.
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.

Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptise him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
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Some true stories from the Readers Digest . . .

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Our cat, Figaro, comes home between 10 or 11 at night to eat. If he’s late, I turn on the carport light and call him until he appears.

One day my daughter was explaining to a friend where we live, and her friend said, "Is that anywhere near the house where the woman stands on her steps late at night and sings opera?"

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My brother adopted a snake named Slinky, whose most disagreeable trait was eating live mice. Once I was pressed into going to the pet store to buy Slinky’s dinner.

The worst part of this wasn’t choosing the juiciest-looking creatures or turning down the clerk who wanted to sell me vitamins to ensure their longevity. The hardest part was carrying the poor things out in a box bearing the words "Thank you for giving me a home."

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Living in a household with eight indoor cats requires buying large amounts of kitty litter, which I usually get in 25-pound bags—100 pounds at a time. When I was going to be out of town for a week, I decided to go to the supermarket to stock up. As my husband and I both pushed shopping carts, each loaded with five large bags of litter, a man looked at our purchases and queried, “Bengal or Siberian?”

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On a recent trip to the post office, I took a few minutes to read the notices posted on the public bulletin board in the lobby. One in particular caught my eye.

It read “Lost in post-office parking lot, small boa constrictor, family pet, will not attack. Reward.”

Below the notice someone had written, in what appeared to be very shaky handwriting: “Please, would you mind posting another notice when you find your boa? Thank you.”
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Some repeats from past years but worth repeating . . . 
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A burglar breaks into an apartment. He's sure that nobody is home, but just in case he keeps all of the lights off. As he is moving around with a torch, a voice says "I can see you and so can Jesus.” The burglar freezes on the spot, shines his torch around but doesn’t see anyone.

A few minutes pass and the voice comes again, "I can see you and so can Jesus.” The burglar again pauses and shines his torch around. This time he spots a parrot in the corner. "I can see you and so can Jesus.”

"What would you know," says the burglar, "You're just a fucking parrot!"

"Yeah, I may be a fucking parrot," replies the bird, "but Jesus is a fucking Doberman."
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Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into."

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into."
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There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born." The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?" The momma cow again replieds" Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, "Duh huh guh nuh!" The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock."
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One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species. In court, he pleads innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor. In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it, but what did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!" 
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Corn Corner:

 A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says "Hey."

The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”
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So I called up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned dial-a-llama.
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A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, “That’ll be $1.49.” The duck replies, “Put it on my bill.”


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